2F Sorts it Out

Gourdgeous

2006-10-10T13:16:00.000-04:00

Pumpkin Winner --->

Well, it's my favorite time of year again. No, it's not the pleasantly mild weather, the MLB postseason, apple cider, or football Sundays. It's the season of giant pumpkin growing contests.

Growing an obese pumpkin is a very respectable and admirable feat. People all over the country spend an entire year growing massive pumpkins in order to compete for giant pumpkin global domination. And of course for all of the respect and dignity that comes along with being a giant pumpkin grower.

It's kind of like breeding prizewinning horses. All you need is a stallion of a pumpkin to create a massive mangled orange blob of pumpkiny beauty that far outweighs the largest of the large. For instance, a Washington man used a pumpkin seed from last year's winning pumpkin to grow this year's winner in his contest. Now that's good genes. Do pumpkins have genes? Or is there a different, more technical pumpkin DNA term? The world may never know.

A 12 year-old girl from California grew a 1,191 pound pumpkin by giving it (and I quote) "a lot of love and a lot of manure." Yeah, that recipe sounds about right.

She, however, was a gigantic loser, being 32 pounds short of the winner's fatass pumpkin of 1,223 pounds. Maybe this can teach the world a lesson: young girls in their formative years should be spending their time more wisely- like making friends, or basically doing anything that doesn't involve growing collosal vegetables.

These contests are awesome. And important to society. Because hey, not only people are fat-- pumpkins can be fat too.

You should consider joining a contest. I personally am going to start growing an enormous pumpkin farm inside of my apartment so that I too can reign as a pumpkin queen. And I'll win. If you don't believe me, you're out of your gourd.

<----Pumpkin Loser

I picked out something I want for my birthday.

2006-10-05T13:17:00.000-04:00

You can buy it for me here.

Scarlett the Harlot

2006-10-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

I like Scarlett Johansson. I mean, she is a good actress. And she's hot. SO hot, in fact, that Esquire magazine has named her the sexiest woman alive. Now, I don't know if I'd go THAT far, but she is very good looking. And she knows it.

To retort to the references about her outward appearances, Scarlett questioned, "What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?"

Well first of all, Scarlett-- In our defense, we can't see those things. No one is saying they arent attractive. It's just that...well, you're not making any sense.

She says that she wants to be respected for being a good actress rather than for her good looks. And therefore, she will continue to do half-naked spreads in magazines and show off her figure mercilessly at every public appearance.

"I'm not that confident about how I look," she told a Toronto fashion magazine. Hey Scarlett, we have no problem with seeing you show off. Just don't try to pretend like it's not intentional, you little minx.

ANIMAL CRUELTY ALERT

2006-10-05T12:51:00.000-04:00

Halloween is fun for people, but for pets...it's just sad.

This is either the product of a collie-obsessed family with very poor diets or people who really just have zero respect for the canine population. Or both. I can't decide which dog I feel the worst for. Probably the Eat N' Park one, though (2nd from right). That dog really got the lamest costume.

If you can successfully explain to me what possesses people to do this to their poor little animals, I'll give you twenty bucks. Not really though.

That's Bush league.

2006-10-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

Way to misinform millions of people, Fox News. It's a republican that hitting up those congressional pages, not a democrat. But nice try.

Sorry.

2006-09-29T12:28:00.000-04:00

I don't have anything to blog about lately. And it's kind of disappointing. Just so you know-- it's not that I haven't been trying. I have. I just haven't found anything of interest.

No.

2006-09-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

A recent Blender magazine article has predicted the date of death for some famous people in the music industry. The article, which estimates when "your favorite pop star" will kick the bucket, says that Kevin Federline is likely to die in 2032, less than three decades from now.

I take issue with 2 things:
a) On what effing planet is Kevin Federline considered a pop star?
b) We have to put up with his Popozao bullshit for another 26 years??? Eff.

I love Will Ferrell.

2006-09-13T13:02:00.000-04:00

Osama bin hiding...so I'm not gonna shave.

2006-09-13T12:31:00.000-04:00

Gary Weddle, a teacher in Washington state, decided five years ago to let his beard grow until Osama Bin Laden is found, dead or alive. I think its a good idea, because why not have a constant daily reminder of terrorism growing on your face?

What kind of logic is that?
1. 9/11 happens, makes you upset
2. you stop shaving because you can't tear yourself away from the news footage
3. you decide to purposefully abstain from shaving until he is found (as if it will help?)
4. five years pass and you are a hairy mess and your wife doesn't think you're attractive anymore

I just think that the thought pattern is a little messed up. Like, completely.

In addition, if you hate bin Laden so much, why would you try to resemble a white version of him? The nerdy old-man glasses and boyish smile (it's under there, isn't it?) don't fool me...he still looks like a scary, murderous terrorist under there. Just because he's from the northwest and not the middle east doesn't mean that he couldn't be a taliban-loving son-of-a-bitch.

It's really going to suck when they kill him by accident because they think he is Osama bin Laden. I can see it now- News break! Osama has been captured and killed at a high school in Washington state.....man, then he'll wish he had picked up a razor.

"I still get emotional over the families who lost loved ones. I just don't feel there's any closure on this until they get that guy," the crazy man said. Well, sir, it's hard to get closure on something when every nappy gray hair on your chin reminds you of innocent lives lost. For the love of god, dude, shave your face.

If you want more information, which you shouldn't, you can read it here.

And now I'm going to be overly political.

2006-09-12T12:49:00.000-04:00

A recent study has decided that Gulf War Syndrome does not exist. Which is shocking information to the 30% or so of soldiers who served in that war that have it. The study was federally funded, so it must be true. Either that, or its the government's way of not accepting accountability for yet another horrible thing that they caused.

Here is an excerpt from the article:
Soldiers who served in the Persian Gulf following the Iraqi invasion of neighboring Kuwait in August 1990 have reported symptoms that include fatigue, memory loss, muscle and joint pain, rashes and difficulty sleeping. But not all suffer from the same array of symptoms, which has complicated efforts to pinpoint their cause, according to the report.
Department of Veterans Affairs spokesman Phil Budahn said the VA would not comment until it had a chance to study the report. The Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States also was reviewing the study.
Nearly 700,000 U.S. soldiers, along with troops from 34 other countries, took part in the Gulf War. Once in the region, those soldiers were exposed to a wide array of toxins and other potential health hazards, including smoke from hundreds of oil well fires, pesticides, depleted uranium ammunition and possibly the nerve agent sarin, released during the demolition of a munitions dump.

I could be wrong, but couldn't the soldiers possibly have different symptoms because of the vast variety of toxic material and dangerous conditions they were exposed to? I think uranium exposure and smoke inhalation might cause different symptoms. I'm not sure, but it's just an educated guess.

The article also says:
The new report did find evidence of an elevated risk of the rare nerve disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also called Lou Gehrig's disease, among Gulf War veterans. They also face an increased risk of anxiety disorders, depression and substance abuse, it said.

Well, I'd probably hit the bottle too if I was involved in a senseless war brought on by a corrupt government! There are OBVIOUSLY cases of Gulf War Syndrome, and any FEDERALLY FUNDED study that says otherwise is blatantly denying responsibility. So for all of the Gulf War vets who read this blog (and I know there are tons), I believe you. You really are crazy, neurotic, diseased alcoholics. And don't let the government tell you otherwise.

Well, since eating spaghetti is really difficult...

2006-09-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

Oh wait....I just remembered, it isn't difficult. Soooo this is ridiculous.

I'll tell you what I WOULDN'T be doing in my head if i was in a persistant vegitative state.

2006-09-12T12:40:00.000-04:00

Playing tennis.

BORING!!!! I can think of about a million other fun things to do.

But this woman did think of tennis, apparently. ("Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon.")

http://www.news-medical.net/?id=20024

I want that.

2006-09-12T12:36:00.000-04:00

Hello?

2006-09-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

A crazy British scientist believes that he has proof to "telephone telepathy"- the experience of having someone call you when you had them on the mind before the phone rang. His surefire experiement included a sample size of 63 people (4 of which were actually filmed in the study), 50 of whom were mentally retarded. Okay that last fact wasn't true, but might as well have been.

This all seemed promising. So, I thought about Brad Pitt for an hour. But he didn't call. And now I'm pissed.

It's all very silly and you can read the whole story here.

Put down the scissors.

2006-09-05T13:52:00.000-04:00

While walking through Urban Outfitters I came across this book: 108 Ways to Transform a T-Shirt. Well sure, it seems like a great idea. I guess the real problem is that 107 of the recommended ways are hideously ugly. They involve cutting t-shirts and mangling them into an nasty mess. Leave it to the pros unless you have some fashion design talent whatsoever, otherwise it will just look like you got into a fight with a cheese grater. You're not going to look good if you buy this book. You'll just be $14.95 poorer and look like a homeless person wearing tattered scraps of clothing.

of course, if you want to tempt fate, you can buy it here.

RIP Crocodile Hunter

2006-09-05T13:46:00.000-04:00

Steve Irwin was a wonderful guy with a zest for life and learning, and he wanted everyone to love the environment as much as he did. He risked his life on countless occasions to bring more awareness to wildlife and different species. He always had a smile, even when wrestling deadly crocodiles to give them medicine or holding a gigantic poisonous snake that could swallow him whole. He wasn't afraid of nature, and he was really terrific. The world could use more fantastic people like him.

Why the Long Face? Oh.

2006-08-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

John Kerry just doesn’t know when to quit. Listen Buddy, you lost the 2004 election, okay? It’s really sad and all, and now our country is all sorts of messed up and we’re in deep shit every direction you look, but GET OVER IT! It's so two years ago. Alleging that the Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell “used the power of his state office to try to intimidate Ohioans and suppress the democratic vote,” Kerry is basically telling a two-year-old sob story about losing the election. First of all, please don’t say Ohioans, because I can’t pronounce that. Second of all, you look like a horse so you probably shouldn’t be president anyway (although I suppose we aren’t in such great shape with a president who looks like (and is) a chimpanzee which is what we have in the office right now). S0 Mr. Kerry: good luck in the next race, but don’t come back cryin in 2010 saying that the Governer of like, Oklahoma ruined your 2008 election by harassing an entire state to vote a certain way. Because that’s not how it works, and then you just end up sounding like a big old horse baby. And the world doesn't need any more of those.

You can read about it here.

A change will do US good

2006-08-23T21:37:00.000-04:00

Sheryl Crow says having cancer will change her music. Wellll....can it change it by making her not do it anymore? She hasn’t had a good song in like 5 years. You’ve soaked up all your sun, Sheryl…and come to think of it, all of mine too. Now it’s dark and gloomy and I shutter when I have to hear your awful version of “Sweet Child of Mine” while trying to enjoy watching Big Daddy. Good luck beating cancer and all, but come on, you have no talent anymore. “If it Makes You Happy” was a good song…but now it would make me happy if you would stop making music altogether.

Holy Chocolate Mother of God!

2006-08-23T12:44:00.000-04:00

Now, perhaps I'm just less likely to believe the validitiy of this story because I'm still not entirely convinced in the existence of God; but, suspending that fact, lets just say I DO believe in God. I'm almost positive he's not going to show a sign by creating a piss poor replica of the Virgin Mary in a two-inch pile of chocolate droppings under a germy vat of dark chocolate in Southern California. Wouldn't he probably send a sign like in the clouds, or really via anything that isn't created in a factory that makes people fat? So, mystery solved- it's just a dirty pile of chocolate drops. Well, at least its all in good fun. I mean, for the people who can laugh at it rather than pray to it, which I kid you not, they are. Lets take a moment to reflect on previous "Godly" Virgin Mary food items, such as the Virgin mary Jawbreaker, the Virgin Mary Cheeto, the Virgin Mary Pop-Tart, the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich, and the Virgin Mary Latte (which by the way, looks more like a Reptar from Rugrats to me). At least these tasty treats beat those crappy styrofoam wafers you get at church.

HORRORscopes

2006-08-22T22:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you out there check your horoscopes, but I do almost religiously, even though I say I don't believe in them-- well at least I don't believe in them unless they bear good tidings. But whatever, that's really neither here nor there, and definitely not the subject of this post... I was idlely checking my horoscope one day at work (I obviously have a high intensity job) and I ran out of checking my daily, weekly, singles love (yes, depressingly singles...hmm wonder if it has anything to do with the fact I religiously check my horoscope online) and I happened upon the beautyscope horoscope. This is what mine said:
"Stay flexible. With some planning-- and the right strappy sandals- your professional attire can easily transition to the right outfit for dinner with the girls. Don't let fashion keep you from going where you want to!"
I don't know about you, but I felt that that was some of the lamest advice And that's not a big revelation from a mystic, it's advice from a Dear Abby, or her less important sister Ann Landers, copycat!! I don't think that the movie Big would have really had the same impact as it did if the fortune teller advised Tom Hanks to wear his mandals proudly to both the office AND the happy hour afterwards. I felt that that horoscope cheapened the whole astrology experience for me...from now on I am sticking to chinese fortune cookies... but just so that I can read the fortune outloud and add "in bed" to the end of it.

Lame.

2006-08-22T11:59:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official, according to our resident freelance excitement-expert baby. We've found THE LEAST INTERESTING NEWS ARTICLE EVER.

Mr. and Mrs.... oh wait.

2006-08-21T19:56:00.000-04:00

According to recent entertainment news, Brad Garrett and his wife secretly split a year ago. First of all, who does that? Secret divorces are so like, 18th century. Divorce is more common than marriage now. I say celebrate, don’t hide it. Let your failure-at-marriage flag fly. Second of all, who cares. He was the loser brother on Everybody Loves Raymond who is now going to be the loser husband on some lameass fall sitcom which won’t last 6 episodes. I’m just sad I spent 30 seconds of my life reading about it and then another 60 writing about it. And now another 30 thinking about how 90 seconds of my life is gone forever. So I’m down 2 whole effing minutes for this shite. And I’m super pissed.

Apparently the life of a child molester slash murder is qutie cushy.

2006-08-21T12:57:00.000-04:00

While being extradited back to the U.S. on charges of assault and murder on a JonBenet Ramsey, super nasty John Karr got to live the good life. Good thing U.S. tax dollars are going towards buying delicacies in business class for alleged rapists/murderers/crazy motherfuckers.

"On Thai Airways flight 194, he drank a beer and ate paté, fried king prawns, steamed rice and broccoli, according to reports by Associated Press and Fox News, which had journalists on the plane.
Before takeoff, he sipped champagne after clinking glasses with a Boulder investigator travelling with him. Boulder District Attorney's Office investigator Mark Spray, one of the law-enforcement officials who escorted Mr. Karr, drank orange juice."

If I were an investigator, I probably wouldn't share a cheers with a guy who likes to have sex with children, but that's just me. Call me old-fashioned.

You can read more about it here if you want, but he's a disgusting human being and I don't recommend it. I'm not putting a picture of him on the blog because when I look at his face I get scared.

Public Service Announcement

2006-08-21T12:53:00.000-04:00

Please don't do this.

I'm uncomfortable with this analogy.

2006-08-21T12:51:00.000-04:00

Experts weigh in on the world famous exploding Dell computers with some bits of brilliance:

'The chances of a short circuit depend on the design of each PC, such as whether the battery cells are aligned in parallel or perpendicular, and their proximity to heat sources like the processor and power supply. But ultimately, the odds are against the engineers, since any given particle can create a short, just as any given sperm can make a baby.
"It’s kind of like impregnating someone. It only takes one, so the more of them there are, the more likely that you’ll impregnate someone," said Clancy.'

I'm pretty sure that exploding computer batteries aren't like getting someone knocked up. Please let me know if I'm missing something here? Okay then.

Just in case you thought he couldn't get any more disgusting...

2006-08-21T12:05:00.000-04:00

read this.

Suri can SUCK IT

2006-08-10T20:28:00.000-04:00

Yessum, that's a picture of TomKat and Suri in a couple years. Just wanted to show you a glimpse into the future.

I didn’t think I could ever hate a baby...at least, not as much as I hate Suri Cruise. This little bundle of shit has been all over the news since the day she was “born” (I don’t know what the technical term is when for an alien birth). Doesn’t anyone have anything better to talk about? Like Jennifer and Vince’s fake engagement or the demise of every reality marriage show on MTV? Oh wait, people won’t stop talking about that either. Anyway!

Everyone wants to know what she looks like. A few select stars have had the unbelievable privelege to see her. Penelope Cruz says she’s beautiful and special (special? She’s obviously letting on that she’s from another planet.) The intelligent Jada Pinkett Smith says she’s one of the sweetest babies she’s ever met in her life (one can only assume that alien babies are usually mean, so she was surprised that Suri didn’t call her mean alien insults and kill her with an alien laser beam.) Leah Remini says she’s “a beaming baby.” Well, that’s probably the outerspace materials coursing through her veins bc she’s an alien, just like proud parents TomKat. And anyway, I can’t take Leah seriously- I mean I know she’s a critically acclaimed star of the brilliant hit show King of Queens (obvious sarcasm), but she’ll always be Saved By the Bell’s frigid bitch Stacy Kerosi to me. If you ask me, which yes I know you didn’t, these Scientologists should stop giving away all of their alien secrets to People magazine.

I hate Suri. I don’t want to see a picture. I don’t care what she looks like anyway. Because I’m pretty sure she just looks like every other crazy alien baby who comes from crazy alien parents. And I see enough of those every day.

The devil wears Prada? No, the devil wears RUBBER CLOGS

2006-08-07T17:42:00.000-04:00

I don't understand why I have been seeing so many people with these awful rubber clogs around Philadelphia. It's a city. These shoes are known as "water clogs" or "beach clogs." So, besides the fact that they are disgustingly ugly, they serve absolutely no practical purpose in an urban area...or any area where you have common sense enough not to wear disgusting shoes. They are the ugliest trend to come out since acid-washed denim.

Yesterday a family of 5 was walking down the street- and they ALL had these shoes on. I can't fault the children, because they are children with brains a third the size of ours, it's science (shameless Anchorman reference). But there's no way to be a mentally capable adult and put these on your feet, or on your poor children's feet, and not know that they are terrible. So please- stop. I guess I have big issues with shoes lately, but the footwear industry is really effed up right now. I'm boycotting these nasty clogs, and I hope you'll join me.

This is a serious issue which should be given adequate attention, just like Hezbollah and Mel Gibson's raging anti-Semitism (obvious sarcasm). I don't believe in hell...but if I did...these shoes would be involved in it somehow.

Cat Calendar.

2006-08-07T12:03:00.000-04:00

Some people will argue that the greatest invention of the last 100 years is the corn dog, the pet rock, or the “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug. I, however, have a different opinion…I’m pretty sure that the cat calendar is the number one greatest invention in the last century. This wonderful item is a page-a-day calendar that sits on my roommate’s desk at work. Each day, there is a new picture of an adorable feline doing something crazy, and a caption that the cat said (yes, cats can talk- this is a little known, but very important, feline fact). The cat calendar gives you a great picture, then gives the name, age, and hobby of the cat in question. There’s Cap’n Pete, age 6, who’s hobby is simply “pillaging,” and Donovan, age 2, who’s hobby is “the lewd, the crude, the rude.” I like to save the best ones and tack them up around my cube at work. I have so many that people think I’m crazy!!!! And that’s okay with me, mostly because it’s true.

Ahh the water is attacking my tiny face!

2006-08-07T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am sick and tired of seeing kids enjoying water during this heat wave. Kids over open fire hydrants, kids in fountains, kids in pools. I get it- kids like water. I don’t need a daily reminder that these little people don’t have to work in the summer and instead it is socially acceptable for them to get soaking wet in their clothes. If I tried that, I think I might be breaking some laws- or at least getting fired.

Let's talk about eyebrows- hey they're better than chin hair!

2006-08-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

After deciding which celebrities had the best brows on People.com's quiz, I had to examine my own brows- they need some plucking- and then I had to examine my life (that took a bit longer). Why would I spend 5 minutes contemplating if Amanda Peet's straight-above-the-eye brows were better than Natalie Portman's? They're eyebrows!! The only eyebrow that should be discussed is the unibrow, because come on, there's supposed to be 2. It's science. Anyway, back to the issue at hand, Natalie Portman's brows are better than Amanda Peet's, but it was hard for me to only look at the brows. I started to think to myself- do I really think Natalie Portman has nicer brows or do I think she's just prettier? I wondered if the whole quiz was just a sham. Then I wondered if life as a whole was a sham. Then I googled images of unibrows and totally forgot about any of the events of the last 20 minutes.

Mandalism should be outlawed

2006-08-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

Okay I'm having some serious issues with the latest uprising in men's casual summer footwear. Men's sandals (mandals) are everywhere- and mostly all of them are completely awful. Flip-flops or sport sandals are okay, but please don't be a victim of mandals. They are hideously awful and if you own them, you're probably a terrible person. If you're reading this, and you have mandals, I strongly urge you to take a look at your feet and realize that you deserve better. Or at least the people who have to look at your super hideous mandals do.

Again, flip-flops are FINE! And sport sandals serve a valid purpose. But DON'T wear this shit. It's just fugly.

Who's more ridiculous?

2006-08-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. - Dr. Evil

We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. You remember when Colin Powell stood up in front of the world, and he said, Iraq has got laboratories, mobile labs to build biological weapons. They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them. -George W. Bush, May 29, 2003

Paris the heiress is a total embarrass.......ment.

2006-08-04T18:10:00.000-04:00

Paris Hilton has decided to become celibate for a year, which I think is a good decision, mostly because she’s disgusting. Too bad it won’t happen, because she’s a giant whore. She also said that she has only had sex with two men. In related news, Paris Hilton is actually poor, smart, naturally blonde, and classy.

Random Awesomeness

2006-08-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

Go away.

2006-08-04T09:30:00.000-04:00

Hey, Hillary Clinton finally said something worth listening to. Now if only Donald Rumsfeld would actually admit his colossal errors and get the hell out. I can't even tell when he's lying or just being stupid. Like when he said:

"I can't say if the use of force would last five days or five weeks or five months, but it certainly isn't going to last any longer than that." Speaking on National Public Radio, November 2002

I'm pretty sure it's been more than five months, Rumsy. It's been a few years and things aren't getting any better. We need someone with a new outlook and decent qualifications to get in there and fix this mess.

"Once in a while, I'm standing here, doing something. And I think, 'What in the world am I doing here?' It's a big surprise." Interview with the New York Times, May 16, 2001

Guess what? We wonder what you're doing there too.

There's not really anything to say about this.

2006-08-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

Congratulations! It's a....ewwwww.....

2006-08-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were wondering what to do with your butt-ugly baby, we’ve found you a contest. Just go to www.uglybabycontest.com and enter your little bundle of repugnant joy to win up to $150 and an “ugly baby” tee shirt. The upside: it only costs $9.99 to enter (yes, you actually have to pay to enter your little rat of a child)! The downside: you have a hideous child.

And Now We Present Mr. and Mrs. Rock

2006-08-03T20:28:00.000-04:00

Too bad they don’t rock. Too bad they are the grossest couple in the world, now superseding Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as the ultimate union of white trash. A shirtless, belt-buckle-blinging, naturally unnattractive Kid rock marries bikini clad, super-plastic Pam to become a lovely married couple. Two negatives don't make a positive. They just make...well, a mess.

At least Brit’s boobs are real. And at least K-Fed never collaborated with Uncle Kracker.

Want to look disgusting?

2006-08-03T20:14:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s official. I found the most hideously nasty sweater in the history of the world- nay, the universe. It is not only bulky and oversized, but it has a ridiculous pattern, is really fugly, and makes the wearer look like a complete fool. I’d like to outline all of the things that contribute to this being the worst piece of clothing ever.

1. It is made of wool and polyester- a delightful combination of the itchiest fabric and the cheapest fabric. Unless you’re going to a disco in Antarctica circa 1976, this is not suitable attire.
2. The designers obviously couldn’t decide, so they made it both cowl neck (so 2001) and off-the-shoulder (so 2004)- I can’t figure out what year this sweater is trying to be from, but it sure isn’t 2006.
3. Short sleeved- seriously? On a sweater? The whole point of a sweater is to keep you warm. Short-sleeved sweaters are for confused people. Is that the message you are trying to project? Oh, ok. We get it now.
4. Putrid colors of rust and vomit green are mixed with bright blue and purple. Even Lance Bass wouldn’t support this rainbow.
5. It’s longer than any sweater should be. Is it a dress? Because if so, ew.
6. Zig-zag lines are busy and confusing, and the horizontal arrangement is very unflattering. You’ll look like a fat blob of tie-dyed barf.
7. It has a completely useless belt-tie thing. Actually, it’s not useless- you can use it to hang yourself if you suck enough to own this sweater.
8. did I mention its $159??? One hundred and fifty-nine effing dollars for this nasty piece of shit sweater. If anyone would pay that for this, they deserve to be shot.

If I haven’t convinced you that this is the worst article of clothing since the chastity belt, then I don’t know what else to tell you. So, if you want to look like a fat, stupid, outdated, fashionably-challenged loser…then I think I found you a sweater.

You can buy it here here. Go ahead, I dare you. Don't forget these sexy boots too.

Katharine McLame

2006-08-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

Does Katharine McPhee suck at life or what? She came in a disappointing second on American Idol, publicly paraded her bulimia around the media, and missed the first three weeks of the American Idol tour with laryngitis. What’s next? Apparently, a broken foot….that she got from tripping backstage, over her own two feet. Come on Katharine. Whats next? The bubonic plague? Pull yourself together, woman.

Welcome...you've got death...

2006-08-01T10:23:00.000-04:00

You know when people say "of course it's true, how could I make this shit up?" Well this is one of those times. Apparently the founder of Monster.com has a new website: Eons.com. Just as Monster helped you find jobs, Eons helps you find out when someone you know has died. Yes, died. Sweet! So basically while checking my email in the morning, in between the spam to increase my penis size, I can find out that someone from my college is no longer with us. "In addition to adding photos and videos to obituaries, members of Eons.com can sign up to receive an alert when someone from a particular area dies or in response to pre-defined keywords such as a company or school name." I wonder if the keywords Bush, giant idiot, and mexed missages have been used... http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060801/od_nm/life_babyboomers1_dc;_ylt=Ao6af3jrwETkMf786pM.7jkuQE4F;_ylu=X3oDMTA4cmUwbnA1BHNlYwMxNzAy

i don't know how to put this....but i'm kind of a big deal.

2006-08-01T10:18:00.000-04:00

people know me. i have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogony. okay so i blocked out my name and address, but that is a bona fide police ticket, and if you'll take note, i am being fined one billion dollars for being too awesome. see, i told you we were cool.

scientists say there is a way to become invisible; in related news, what the eff??

2006-07-31T17:43:00.000-04:00

check out this super cool idea about becoming invisible- scientists say it may actually be possible! they just need to figure out how to bend light.

oh, surely you jest! but, their findings are not without support. i know what you're thinking, but no, they are not based on the invisible man who drinks a potion to become invisible, or harry potter (*gratuitous HP reference) with his invisibility cloak. rather, they are based on the invisible woman from the fantastic four cartoon/movie.

first obvious problem: scientists are now gathering research from cartoons. yes, cartoons. well i suppose they must be really smart cartoons if they get turned into hollywood box office bombs starring jessica alba, right?

second obvious problem: the dude in the article says that if they figure out how to bend light, it could be possible. ok does this sound easy to anyone, cause i'm pretty sure it isn't? bend light? oh ok, we'll get on that, right after we solve global warming and the mideast crisis...while flying on aladdin's magic carpet to jupiter with the tooth fairy.

note to scientists: let us know when you have some real evidence, not just speculations from cartoons. cause guess what! that's effing RIDICULOUS!!!!

levi's is walking a thin line...to hell!

2006-07-31T14:01:00.000-04:00

that is johnny cash, giving levi's the finger for effing up his music.

the new levi's commercials for levi's jeans are pretty cool...except that they feature covers of walk the line!!! like HELLO you can't just go and cover johnny cash without being awesome, cause he's way too great. there are two versions: one sung by megan wyler, and one by adem iihan from the british band "the fridge." well i wish they were both in a fridge and not on goddamn tv! they both butcher the song, and i'm sure johnny cash wouldn't want his timeless piece of music ruined and used to sell jeans. he was the man in black, not the man in denim for goodness sakes! sheesh. the commercials should be pulled immediately, and the people responsible should be hanged by a pair of the very jeans they're trying to sell. a bit too harsh? i think NOT! it would be sweet, sweet denim revenge.

scorecard of awesomeness

2006-07-31T13:58:00.000-04:00

evolution: the way i like it. with ben stiller.

2006-07-31T13:55:00.000-04:00

fugly deja vu

2006-07-31T12:55:00.000-04:00

don't get me wrong, cause i totally love peter jackson and all of the lord of the rings movies, but they totally ripped off the return of the king character gothmog from the goonies' sloth. its like they didn't even try to hide it! and yes i'm a total nerd for noticing/caring/blogging about this or anything in general.

eff, what am i supposed to do on my english fishing vacations now that my favorite sport is banned?

2006-07-31T12:37:00.000-04:00

i don't even really know what to say about this. a sport called "conger cuddling," in which two teams swing dead eels attached to ropes at eachother in order to knock them off of small wooden blocks, is now banned in a town in england. i don't think the real issue is that the sport is inhumane to dead fish (who by the way, don't have feelings, especially since they are dead, but probably didn't when they were alive either). the real issue is that it was ever a sport in the first place, and that it has that atrocious name. apparently the sport has been described as "the most fun a person can have with a dead fish," but i'd like to know, are there are other fun things to do with dead fish? anyway, since its only banned in that one english town, i say we start up some american conger cuddling leagues. i'll be on team philly- if we use eels from the delaware or the schyullkill, we can also award points to whichver teams gives the other team the most toxic waste. who's in?

http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-07-31T155400Z_01_L29609406_RTRUKOC_0_US-BRITAIN-EEL.xml&src=rss

the passion of the shithead

2006-07-31T12:26:00.000-04:00

so mel gibson is a complete and total anti-semite? i suppose we knew that. and apparently it's okay with the cops who tried to cover up the whole thing? well it's not okay with me. who does he think he is? i understand he battles alcoholism and all, or so he says, but perhaps he's just a total dick that likes being a disgusting person and blaming jewish people for all of the problems in the world. and like, what the eff does that have to do with getting arrested for drunk driving anyway? it was kinda funny that he called the female cop sugar tits though. but he's a p.o.s.!

http://www.tmz.com/2006/07/28/gibsons-anti-semitic-tirade-alleged-cover-up/

wah wah, poor little baby lindsay

2006-07-31T12:12:00.000-04:00

some advice for stupid lindsay lohan: if you want to be taken seriously as an actress and a person in general, don't have your mommy complain about the big bad studio exec scolding you. duh. oh, also, if you want to be taken seriously, stop being completely orange.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/31/people.lohan.ap/index.html

could i make more sense? yes. will i? no.

2006-07-29T17:57:00.000-04:00

i have these card things posted on my wall, with these quotes on them that i (supposedly) like. however i just looked at the one that is directly in front of my face when i sit at the computer, and it says:

"one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." -nietzsche

does anyone have any idea what the eff this means? cause i sure as eff don't. i don't know why i picked it out without thinking about it. i mean i like it, it's cool and all, but who wants to give birth to a dancing star? i mean who wants to give birth at 22, let alone to an inanimate object, let alone that comes out dancing, let alone with five sharp points on it. not me, i'll tell you that much right now. so anyway, who the fuck was this nietzsche guy? he's obviously out of his effing gourd.

at least i have the chaos part down. hopefully not enough chaos to get el preggo with a star. ha. there's another one i have that says "never never never give up" by winston churchill. maybe nietzsche shoulda, before he started coming up with this smack.

i just figured out what i want to do with my life.

2006-07-28T15:44:00.000-04:00

i wanna be this guy. and live inside of my gigantic triangular guitar-type instrument. and i want that gray beard (despite the fact i'm a 22-year-old girl). it would really be the icing on the cake if i could wear that gorgeous shirt too. YUM! i smell hotness.

Mike The Headless Chicken Wonder

2006-07-28T15:40:00.000-04:00

So this is Mike the headless chicken. The story goes like this: the guy who was supposed to kill the chicken for dinner was piss poor at using an ax, and basically cut the head at the wrong angle. The chicken did not die as the inept farmer had intended. Instead he lived for 18 months, traveling around the country with his now loving owner, being paraded around like a "freak." Well I for one do not think Michael, as I prefer to address him, is a freak. He is just misunderstood- mostly because he has no head. Well, for all of you are interested, Michael's bday is May 21st, so please celebrate it tastefully- I like mine with lemon and pepper.

Kazaam! It's a Shaq Attack!

2006-07-28T15:14:00.000-04:00

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok." -a fabulous quote from the one, the only Shaquille O'Neal.

I wish Shaq would carry me around like a tiny baby. Oh well, I will live vicariously though this strange man with the even stranger shirt.

this is a real time killer!

2006-07-28T13:47:00.000-04:00

you don't even have to vote on them, you can just think about them. some are quite interesting!

http://www.whichisworse.com/

and then everyone said Jabroni!

2006-07-28T13:38:00.000-04:00

I was trying to find a picture that really showed how distorted Fergie's face is. Just as skin and bones is the new black, it seems like plastic surgery is the new foundation. Forget Maybelline, to be a true covergirl, your face must look like the shiny cover of a magazine. And I mean exactly. But during my painstakingly easy search for a great pic (there are so many) I found this other picture of a fergie. This stuffed animal, though it resembles a crazy mix of a squirrel, pepto bismol, and my grandma, is actually more attractive than Fergie from the BEP. Maybe another band that wants to lose it's street cred will want this fergie in their group... hey it helped the Peas! Now if only we could help Fergie's fake face...

pour your heart out (poorly)

2006-07-28T11:18:00.000-04:00

apparently there was a contest (http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/07/11/bad.writing.reut/index.html) to see who could write the worst opening line of a fake novel ever. now i don't know about you, but me thinks this is a really awesome contest. in addition, the winning line is pretty fantastic. i really want to read this imaginary book now.

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

inspiring, isn't it? i decided to write my own.

"Listlessly looking at antique gravemarkers she had sketched, Dierdre bit into the stale pickle, spat it out, and decided, 'I'm going to buy a new pair of underwear today,' promptly getting up and hopping in her blue space car to go to the underwear factory, which was the only place to buy knickers in the year 3016."

give it a shot. it's fun. let us know if you come up with anything good, we'll have a little contest of our own. winner gets a stale pickle.

quit hassling us about the hoff.

2006-07-28T10:31:00.000-04:00

We don’t think that the most disturbing thing about David Hasselhoff is that he has been denied access to the racetracks or that he was not allowed to board a British Airways flight because of his high level of intoxication, we think the most disturbing thing about David Hasselhoff is that people are actually talking about David Hasselhoff. Just as Paris Hilton has tried to coin “That’s hot”, Hasselhoff is trying to bring “Don’t Hassel the Hoff” into mainstream culture. Please. Ok Knight Rider was an awesome show- but what else has he done for the good of humanity? The creepy guy on Baywatch? Music videos that are only popular in Europe? Come on. What’s next, is his talking car Kit going to try to coin “don’t K the it?” Wonder how Kit would sound if he was as drunk as the Hoff? Probably better than Hoff in his music video…

By the way, Isn’t that a nice collage we compiled from Google images?
We think if the pictures could tell a story it would be this:
At first Michael and Kit were the best of friends, solving crimes at 80 MPH. They were both on top of their game. Then Kit got a big head and decided he didn’t need Michael, because let’s face it, he can drive himself, he doesn’t need some lumbering hairy man sitting in his crotch. The middle picture is depicting Kit saying some pretty cocky things, mainly that he is the shit and Michael is just shit. Well after a while Michael decided that the only thing that could soothe his aching heart was Boone’s Farm Strawberry Fields and Mad Dog 20/20 Strawberry Banana flavor. (He really likes fruit with the seeds on the outside). So he drank from 1986 until the present time. That’s why in a drunken stupor he decided he sounded excellent singing and thought it best to share this with the entire world- or at least the entire German world. Present day: he is still drunk and singing. I blame Kit.

harry "in the buff" potter

2006-07-28T10:12:00.000-04:00

SNAP! harry's de-robing again (literally- those wizards wear robes!!) for a new stage role playing a psychologically disturbed stable boy. strange concept, but come on, it's more realistic than a wizard. lets hope harry's not too hairy, or it'll be G-R-O-double-S! besides the fact that he's like, 17. he does have that sexy lightning bolt scar though.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/07/28/potter.nude.reut/index.html

who brought the nearsighted kid to the pool?

2006-07-27T16:11:00.000-04:00

we can't take credit for this, but it's effing hilarious.

a birthday that actually matters!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-27T15:57:00.000-04:00

my puff and panth (twins!) are turning 23 today! lauren = puff, like hufflepuff from harry potter bc we have similar personalities and both got picked to be in the hufflepuff house when we took an online quiz about which hogwards wizard house we'd be in; lindsay = panth, cause we're panthers, a la the pick-up line "what winks and makes love like a panther" (answer: us). congrats girls, you've really BLOOMED!!!! just dont get too drunk and pass out naked on our bathroom floor tonight. happy birthday!!!

i remember when sniffing rubber cement was cool.

2006-07-27T15:35:00.001-04:00

well thanks to the mothball industry's relentless efforts to boost sales, mothballs aren't just for old people anymore. according to this article (http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/07/27/mothballs.high.reut/index.html), teens are sniffing and chewing these delectable balls of larva-preventing goodness in an effort to get high. side effects? rough, scaly skin and mental ineptitude for starters. and it gets better- it can also cause severe anemia, as well as liver and kidney failure, and maybe even death! this is due to the drug paradichlorobenzene, which apparently also makes the nifty sniffer think its a good idea to explain your new hobby to the inquisitive cleaning lady, who will probably tell their parents. oh, the decline of teenage civilization. what happened to getting high on life? or, like, weed? at least it's natural.

happy birthday!

2006-07-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

today is alex rodriguez's 31st birthday! i was trying to think of something to get him, but then i remembered he is making $25,680,727 a year, which is approximately 881.9 times the amount of my yearly salary. so instead, i found this photo of his old bobblehead stuffed inside the body of a dead chicken, and laughed.

david beckham married to a 7 year old?

2006-07-27T14:03:00.000-04:00

poor posh spice. read these british musings on her current state. it's not so posh to look like you're a small child, now is it? (yes, she's smaller than her son) http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-2258819,00.html

fighting for their freedom? from what...life?

2006-07-27T13:53:00.000-04:00

If we're supposedly fighting for democracy and freedom, why are so many innocent people the victims of this war? Read about it here: (change view from Police and Guardsmen to Civilians- then you can see all of the stories that explain the deaths of the innocent.) http://icasualties.org/oif/Iraqi.aspx

Be sure to check out the rest of the site. The numbers are astounding.

We know stuff.

2006-07-27T13:01:00.000-04:00

My roommate and I are really smart and awesome, so we're going to tell you all about the world. Feel free to read, because you could become really smart and awesome too.