Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Gourdgeous




Pumpkin Winner --->

Well, it's my favorite time of year again. No, it's not the pleasantly mild weather, the MLB postseason, apple cider, or football Sundays. It's the season of giant pumpkin growing contests.

Growing an obese pumpkin is a very respectable and admirable feat. People all over the country spend an entire year growing massive pumpkins in order to compete for giant pumpkin global domination. And of course for all of the respect and dignity that comes along with being a giant pumpkin grower.

It's kind of like breeding prizewinning horses. All you need is a stallion of a pumpkin to create a massive mangled orange blob of pumpkiny beauty that far outweighs the largest of the large. For instance, a Washington man used a pumpkin seed from last year's winning pumpkin to grow this year's winner in his contest. Now that's good genes. Do pumpkins have genes? Or is there a different, more technical pumpkin DNA term? The world may never know.

A 12 year-old girl from California grew a 1,191 pound pumpkin by giving it (and I quote) "a lot of love and a lot of manure." Yeah, that recipe sounds about right.

She, however, was a gigantic loser, being 32 pounds short of the winner's fatass pumpkin of 1,223 pounds. Maybe this can teach the world a lesson: young girls in their formative years should be spending their time more wisely- like making friends, or basically doing anything that doesn't involve growing collosal vegetables.

These contests are awesome. And important to society. Because hey, not only people are fat-- pumpkins can be fat too.

You should consider joining a contest. I personally am going to start growing an enormous pumpkin farm inside of my apartment so that I too can reign as a pumpkin queen. And I'll win. If you don't believe me, you're out of your gourd.
<----Pumpkin Loser

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I picked out something I want for my birthday.

You can buy it for me here.

Scarlett the Harlot


I like Scarlett Johansson. I mean, she is a good actress. And she's hot. SO hot, in fact, that Esquire magazine has named her the sexiest woman alive. Now, I don't know if I'd go THAT far, but she is very good looking. And she knows it.

To retort to the references about her outward appearances, Scarlett questioned, "What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?"

Well first of all, Scarlett-- In our defense, we can't see those things. No one is saying they arent attractive. It's just that...well, you're not making any sense.

She says that she wants to be respected for being a good actress rather than for her good looks. And therefore, she will continue to do half-naked spreads in magazines and show off her figure mercilessly at every public appearance.

"I'm not that confident about how I look," she told a Toronto fashion magazine. Hey Scarlett, we have no problem with seeing you show off. Just don't try to pretend like it's not intentional, you little minx.

ANIMAL CRUELTY ALERT

Halloween is fun for people, but for pets...it's just sad.

This is either the product of a collie-obsessed family with very poor diets or people who really just have zero respect for the canine population. Or both. I can't decide which dog I feel the worst for. Probably the Eat N' Park one, though (2nd from right). That dog really got the lamest costume.
If you can successfully explain to me what possesses people to do this to their poor little animals, I'll give you twenty bucks. Not really though.

That's Bush league.

Way to misinform millions of people, Fox News. It's a republican that hitting up those congressional pages, not a democrat. But nice try.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Sorry.


I don't have anything to blog about lately. And it's kind of disappointing. Just so you know-- it's not that I haven't been trying. I have. I just haven't found anything of interest.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

No.



A recent Blender magazine article has predicted the date of death for some famous people in the music industry. The article, which estimates when "your favorite pop star" will kick the bucket, says that Kevin Federline is likely to die in 2032, less than three decades from now.

I take issue with 2 things:
a) On what effing planet is Kevin Federline considered a pop star?
b) We have to put up with his Popozao bullshit for another 26 years??? Eff.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I love Will Ferrell.

Osama bin hiding...so I'm not gonna shave.


Gary Weddle, a teacher in Washington state, decided five years ago to let his beard grow until Osama Bin Laden is found, dead or alive. I think its a good idea, because why not have a constant daily reminder of terrorism growing on your face?

What kind of logic is that?
1. 9/11 happens, makes you upset
2. you stop shaving because you can't tear yourself away from the news footage
3. you decide to purposefully abstain from shaving until he is found (as if it will help?)
4. five years pass and you are a hairy mess and your wife doesn't think you're attractive anymore

I just think that the thought pattern is a little messed up. Like, completely.

In addition, if you hate bin Laden so much, why would you try to resemble a white version of him? The nerdy old-man glasses and boyish smile (it's under there, isn't it?) don't fool me...he still looks like a scary, murderous terrorist under there. Just because he's from the northwest and not the middle east doesn't mean that he couldn't be a taliban-loving son-of-a-bitch.

It's really going to suck when they kill him by accident because they think he is Osama bin Laden. I can see it now- News break! Osama has been captured and killed at a high school in Washington state.....man, then he'll wish he had picked up a razor.

"I still get emotional over the families who lost loved ones. I just don't feel there's any closure on this until they get that guy," the crazy man said. Well, sir, it's hard to get closure on something when every nappy gray hair on your chin reminds you of innocent lives lost. For the love of god, dude, shave your face.

If you want more information, which you shouldn't, you can read it here.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

And now I'm going to be overly political.

A recent study has decided that Gulf War Syndrome does not exist. Which is shocking information to the 30% or so of soldiers who served in that war that have it. The study was federally funded, so it must be true. Either that, or its the government's way of not accepting accountability for yet another horrible thing that they caused.

Here is an excerpt from the article:
Soldiers who served in the Persian Gulf following the Iraqi invasion of neighboring Kuwait in August 1990 have reported symptoms that include fatigue, memory loss, muscle and joint pain, rashes and difficulty sleeping. But not all suffer from the same array of symptoms, which has complicated efforts to pinpoint their cause, according to the report.
Department of Veterans Affairs spokesman Phil Budahn said the VA would not comment until it had a chance to study the report. The Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States also was reviewing the study.
Nearly 700,000 U.S. soldiers, along with troops from 34 other countries, took part in the Gulf War. Once in the region, those soldiers were exposed to a wide array of toxins and other potential health hazards, including smoke from hundreds of oil well fires, pesticides, depleted uranium ammunition and possibly the nerve agent sarin, released during the demolition of a munitions dump.


I could be wrong, but couldn't the soldiers possibly have different symptoms because of the vast variety of toxic material and dangerous conditions they were exposed to? I think uranium exposure and smoke inhalation might cause different symptoms. I'm not sure, but it's just an educated guess.

The article also says:
The new report did find evidence of an elevated risk of the rare nerve disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also called Lou Gehrig's disease, among Gulf War veterans. They also face an increased risk of anxiety disorders, depression and substance abuse, it said.

Well, I'd probably hit the bottle too if I was involved in a senseless war brought on by a corrupt government! There are OBVIOUSLY cases of Gulf War Syndrome, and any FEDERALLY FUNDED study that says otherwise is blatantly denying responsibility. So for all of the Gulf War vets who read this blog (and I know there are tons), I believe you. You really are crazy, neurotic, diseased alcoholics. And don't let the government tell you otherwise.

Well, since eating spaghetti is really difficult...



Oh wait....I just remembered, it isn't difficult. Soooo this is ridiculous.

I'll tell you what I WOULDN'T be doing in my head if i was in a persistant vegitative state.


Playing tennis.

BORING!!!! I can think of about a million other fun things to do.

But this woman did think of tennis, apparently. ("Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon.")

http://www.news-medical.net/?id=20024

I want that.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Hello?


A crazy British scientist believes that he has proof to "telephone telepathy"- the experience of having someone call you when you had them on the mind before the phone rang. His surefire experiement included a sample size of 63 people (4 of which were actually filmed in the study), 50 of whom were mentally retarded. Okay that last fact wasn't true, but might as well have been.

This all seemed promising. So, I thought about Brad Pitt for an hour. But he didn't call. And now I'm pissed.

It's all very silly and you can read the whole story here.

Put down the scissors.


While walking through Urban Outfitters I came across this book: 108 Ways to Transform a T-Shirt. Well sure, it seems like a great idea. I guess the real problem is that 107 of the recommended ways are hideously ugly. They involve cutting t-shirts and mangling them into an nasty mess. Leave it to the pros unless you have some fashion design talent whatsoever, otherwise it will just look like you got into a fight with a cheese grater. You're not going to look good if you buy this book. You'll just be $14.95 poorer and look like a homeless person wearing tattered scraps of clothing.

of course, if you want to tempt fate, you can buy it here.

RIP Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin was a wonderful guy with a zest for life and learning, and he wanted everyone to love the environment as much as he did. He risked his life on countless occasions to bring more awareness to wildlife and different species. He always had a smile, even when wrestling deadly crocodiles to give them medicine or holding a gigantic poisonous snake that could swallow him whole. He wasn't afraid of nature, and he was really terrific. The world could use more fantastic people like him.